Book Excerpt from Losing Him Gaining You

August 7, 2014 at 12:30 am Leave a comment

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Losing Him Gaining YouTitle: Losing Him Gaining You: Divorce as Opportunity

Author: Corbin Lewars

Genre: Non-Fiction, Divorce Guide

Losing Him, Gaining You is a refreshingly honest and uplifting guide through divorce. Based on research and her own experience, Corbin Lewars coaches her readers through tough territory with a direct, straightforward step by step approach to divorce. With inspiration and a large dose of humor, Corbin offers a way forward that will help others trust themselves and make wise choices for their new life.

Author Bio

Corbin Lewars is the author of Creating a Life: The memoir of a writer and mom in the making, which was nominated for the 2011 PNBA and Washington State book awards. Her essays have been featured in over twenty- five publications as well as in several writing and parenting anthologies. For the past fifteen years she has worked with other writers as a developmental editor, coach and writing instructor. She lives in Seattle, WA with her two children and very large cat.

Links

Social Media Links:

http://www.corbinlewars.com

http://blog.seattlepi.com/singlewritermama/

Facebook

Twitter: @CorbinSeattle

Find the Book:

Amazon: amzn.to/1o74pcE

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/losing-him-gaining-you-corbin-lewars/1118672196?ean=9781620153444

Book Excerpt

I wrote this book with the hope that I could help ease the decision for other women by sharing my experience as well as the experiences of others. I talked to numerous women, and some men, all of who were in the midst of divorce or recently divorced. With time, almost all of the people I talked to were able to make positive changes in their life. Many of them excelled in their careers, gained confidence in themselves and their abilities, and raised kids who have thrived in two homes. Substantial research has shown that the key to children’s psychological well-being is the level of conflict between the parents, not whether the parents remain married.2 Divorce itself doesn’t harm children— angry, resentful, unhappy parents harm children. Bitterness harms everyone. I hope these stories will allow you to believe you have options and hope as well.

Divorce is not a decision to be made lightly. Feeling confused, ambivalent, or even trapped is common. This is part of the process, and it can’t be rushed. And if you decide to stay in your marriage, fabulous. Divorce is a private decision that everyone needs to come to on their own. This book doesn’t recommend divorce; rather, it aims to guide you through the emotional process of divorce if you’ve chosen that path.

Although I consider this book to be primarily for women considering or going through divorce, almost every man and woman I know in my age range (early forties) is evaluating their lives. An area they often struggle with the most is the loss of self. “What do I like to do in my free time? Do I even have free time? Is this the career I want? Is this the relationship I want? If I could change anything, what would it be? Have I lost a part of myself? If so, can I get it back?” are questions I hear from married and single people alike. We’re asking ourselves these questions at mid-life with the hope that if we made mistakes, we don’t continue doing so, and that our remaining years are content ones. Many of us will make the needed changes without getting divorced. But some of us don’t feel that is possible. That shouldn’t stop us from asking the questions, though. Although reviewing our lives and relationships is difficult, ignoring or denying problems is never a good solution. The problems and unanswered questions don’t go away. We just exert a lot of energy hoping they will.

I’m guessing you lost more than your husband in the divorce—you lost part of yourself. And my goal is to help you get that back (not the husband part). I will encourage you to reconnect with parts of your personality that you miss. Your friendships, career, home, parenting, body, sexuality, and finances are examined here to determine what is working for you and what isn’t. And if it isn’t working, you can explore ways of changing it. If it is working, let’s celebrate that!

We’ll also explore and validate the stages of grief. Staying in one stage of grief is detrimental. Allow yourself to feel all of your feelings, but if you get stuck in any one emotion, seek help. I discuss how to own your part in the divorce without blaming yourself entirely. (Your ex doesn’t get all the blame, either.)  And you’ll learn how to trust, cherish, and focus on yourself, your growth, and your healing instead of focusing on the past or on others. The goal is to make you whole, rather than try to fill a hole with someone or something else.

 I hope this book can offer camaraderie and guidance in what can be an isolated time in your life. My married friends were very supportive, but they didn’t understand firsthand what I was experiencing. Befriending other divorced women was and continues to be my lifeline. If you don’t have the energy to do that yet, maybe reading this book can help you feel less alone. Many women have blazed this path before you. Let them help you along the way.

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